Photo credit Brita Sönnichsen
Claudia Schwarzlmüller is a child psychologist who has been working with parents for over twenty years. The original edition of this book is a #1 bestseller in Germany and is being published in several other territories.
Q: How does the concept of “leading” and “following” fit into your parenting method?
Claudia Schwarzlmüller: Leading and following are the basis of all parenting—there are only these two moments in life with children. Parenting often seems complicated on the surface, but if you break an interaction down into its atoms, so to speak, only these two situations remain. So, you only ever need to ask yourself one question: Is this a leading moment, or a following moment? Then you know immediately what to do.
Q: What is required in a leading moment?
CS: In a leading moment, you as a parent are the “tour guide” for your child. These are moments that have a structure and a goal and must be completed in a certain order. Getting dressed would be an example of this, because for a small child it can be divided into many small, intermediate steps with a single intended outcome. You could name these steps individually; the smaller your child is, the smaller the steps should be. This way, you give your child orientation and the security they need to complete the task.
Q: What is required in a following moment?
CS: Following moments are times in which your child can be in charge and learn through exploring. This is usually the case when they are playing, or in other free moments that don’t require a lot of structure. Your child knows better than you which developmental step is next, so you follow their lead. If your child is under three years old, then you can give light guidance by naming the child’s actions and giving encouragement as they explore.
Q: My toddler keeps having temper tantrums—I can’t even cut an apple right! What causes this reaction?
CS: It might seem like your toddler is really concerned about how you cut apples, but this is one of the most common misunderstandings between parent and child. As adults, we are focused on the outcome and we value service—so we think it’s very nice of us to cut the child a slice of apple. However, the child is designed for development. They know that they now must try everything themselves, and they must do it often. He is not interested in being served. He cries because we have taken the process away from him, and with it his opportunity to learn.
Q: Why is it that children always tend to create such a mess?
CS: Children don’t make a mess at random, but rather, they practice and learn through interacting with their environment. For example, there are special “play schemes” that almost all children use to develop their brains. Your toddler may pick things up and drop them somewhere else—they are practicing the “lines” and “transport” schemes. How does it get from A to B? What is a straight line and what is a curve? How heavy is the object, and how much force and how many steps do I need? Does the object change in a different place? All of these are physical experiments important for your child’s development.
Q: My child doesn’t play well with other children—why is this?
CS: Your child needs to develop four skills to be able to play with others. First, they need to be able to develop their own play ideas. Second, they need to be able to communicate these ideas to others so that other children can follow them or build on their ideas (for example, “My car is going around the bend here”). Third, they need to read the signals of other children and understand social situations: What does this facial expression mean? What do the others want? Can I play along or am I better off just watching? The last and most difficult skill is to adapt their behavior to what is happening around them.
Once you identify which of these skills your child needs to learn, you can use the Lead or Follow method to help them develop their ability to play well with others.
Does My Child Need Me to Lead or to Follow? is out April 7. Find it everywhere books are sold.
